Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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