I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
