i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
