I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
