im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
