Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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