im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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