Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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