i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
