You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
