I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have fence marks all over my body
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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