How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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