i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
