Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
