Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
