maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
