and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
