If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
