Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
