Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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