I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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