My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
