you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
