I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
