True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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