Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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