He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
