I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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