he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
