he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
