awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
