Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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