i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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