mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
