btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
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Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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