Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
