im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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