I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
