I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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