The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
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I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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