I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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