my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
