Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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