After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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