Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
