My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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