You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
