It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My vagina just clenched in fear
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
