We named our party play list daddy issues
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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