oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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