You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
