I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
