just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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