I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He felt like a one man threesome
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
