WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
