I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
