I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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