I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
