Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
