I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
