If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
