my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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